The 11th Commandment...

This is a fictional story. Rather a long story but of course not a novel because a novel got a plot, a beginning, and end but this is just an excerpt from a guy’s life, a fictional character that resembles you and me. Things that happen in one’s life, so common, that one fails to notice it. It’s about one’s confusion, his belief, his priorities, his sentiments, his interests, his love and above all his life. It’s so spontaneous that people hardly keep track of it but there comes a moment in everybody’s life when he wishes to turn back time and set things right. Thus he wants to capture this moment and cherish them for ever.
Gregory Bernard’s just an average guy, born and brought up in the suburbs, working as in a corporate interior decorator and real estate firm in the cities. Still single he never thought of getting married but anticipated for the right kind of companion which he had crafted out of his numerous dreams and fantasies.
Just like every day he reached his office only to find himself required to meet a potential client who required restructuring of their office. So, he started off for the client site and reached there a little early. He was asked to wait at the manager’s chamber while the manager arrives. While seated at the manager’s cabin, he looked out to the staff area. It was an old fashioned building probably dated back from the 60’s. Drawers arranged in rows with cabinets forming the dividers. There were no demarcations as prominent in the more recent designs came with the IT revolution, i.e. the presence of cubicles and quadrants. So, Greg sensed a good deal of business in here. While his eyes were scanning and planning for possibilities suddenly his eyes fell on this girl with specs. She was just this average Latin girl but some how he felt looking at her. Although he come across lots of girls every day in his profession where ever he goes or even at his office there are a few pretty girls but he felt something about her that made him look at her again and again.
It’s not always true that the girl every body else finds beautiful would appeal you too. It’s just that you have this particular attraction towards some peculiar features and only someone coming close to your likings would be the one who appeals you. People might be drooling over some girl because she might be very beautiful but you might wonder what the heck are they find in her that I could not or else why I don’t feel the same way too.
Well, it might be the same case with Gregory too, so subconsciously he tried to look at her. His thoughts were interrupted by the sudden entry of the manager. He got busy in discussing the deal with him as well as the probabilities and possibilities for enhancing the decorum of the place with minimal budget. Meanwhile he tried to look over the glass window of the chamber to the place where she was sitting.
As soon as his meeting was over he started to leave. He looked at her seat but she wasn’t there so he went on his way.
He had to meet this manager again for 3 to 4 times finalizing over various aspects and the finance required as well as the time span for the whole thing to be done smoothly with out hampering the day to day work at the office because the client was not at all in mood to make shift their office during this whole ordeal. All this time whenever he came to meet this manager, he used to look for that girl whom he saw on the first day he came here. He even felt that she has noticed him too because once he saw her staring right at him through her specs with a tinge of curiosity in her eyes.
Greg was a jolly guy; he’s just this funny guy who makes jokes around making the atmosphere light. People liked him for this because he knew to laugh at himself.
Days went by and the deal almost got finalized. Greg had number of visits by now and most of the time, if not every time, he stared at the girl and even managed to know her name – Suzanne Hernandez. She was this public relations officer at the clients.
So, finally the work at the clients had begun. Greg brought his team of experts who would work on the face lifting of the whole place. Greg went to the manager and briefed him about the men from his firm who would be working on the restructuring. Manager sent for their point of contact for the whole thing, for Suzanne, who would take care of the whole affair. She came in and the manager introduced Greg to Suzanne. Now, they started discussing about the possibilities and requirements for the whole thing. During the whole talking Greg felt something about her. He liked the way she spoke. She talked intelligently but not imposingly but rather suggestively. He had never seen a girl smart and polite at the same time. Almost all of the girls he ever came in contact with were either stupid girlish types or the smart proudly type. He was impressed by her and wished to talk to her more and go on listening to her but professionalism held his girdle. He never had any friendship as such with any girl though he had a lot acquaintance. For the first time he felt like having friend ship with a girl forgetting all those girl boy differences, some body that’s just like a friend but the only difference is that she’s a girl.
There are people who often restrain from having friend ship with girls. It’s just most of the circles brand these friendships as affairs and finally you either ends up loosing the friend ship or ruining a wonderful friend ship by wrongly interpreting it as love. World never accepts friend ship as such between a girl and a boy, it’s always something else, either it’s an affair or its just plain lust. Or you need to keep the whole friendship so low that it just ends up in casual hi byes. It’s always true that out of these friendships only potential love relations spring. But it takes some deep interpretation to actually brand it as love and that too it not though off, it’s just felt.
Well, that’s what the case with Greg too. He always ran from such awkwardness and hence ended up never having a girl friend. He believed in not to give false intentions or wrong messages. He never wanted anyone to get hurt neither himself get hurt.
So, the work began to start and Greg had to visit the place for suggesting ideas for innovations as well to inspect the quality of the work done. All this time Suzanne assisted his men for the entire requirement that they needed. Greg wished to talk to her and some times when the opportunity came he unfortunately got engaged in some other work and hence wasn’t able to cater time for her. But when ever Suzanne was around he had this special spark in his eyes, he felt himself coming back to life, his heart beating faster, and felt like a college kid. But he always concealed his emotions behind his humor and hence no body ever knew about it. He even felt that she liked his company and might be trying to get close to him or wanted to talk to him just like he do but things never seemed to work out. He also felt the same kind of spark in her eyes too. He consoled himself saying this all to be his illusion.
People always fail to see or rather compel themselves not to see things because of fear of loosing them. They are so insecure that even before any thing begins they compile or fear a sad ending of the whole thing and hence shut their minds retreat themselves into their own private safe haven where there won’t be any heart breaks.
Greg was raised up by his maternal uncle who was a widower since long and also had a son. His uncle was a good man, very God fearing and generous. Greg’s parents died when he was just 3 months old and ever since he is with this uncle. He brought him up like his father and Greg always respected him and valued him more than his life. One day he got a call from his uncle and asked him to come down to the suburb for he has seen nice girl for his marriage. He had this dreams about his marriage as he was getting old and wanted to see his children got settled down with family. He tried looking for his own son but nothing ever seemed to work out and he was very heartbroken. He felt the sentiments in his tone and how he was eager for this marriage. He had no choice but to comply with the request.
Greg now suddenly felt some awkwardness here. Although he went 3-4 times before for such a request but he never felt anything for that. Although he got rejected all the time but it would have never mattered if at all things would have worked out and he got married to any of the girl he saw. But this time he didn’t wanted to go. For the first time he felt he shouldn’t go. But he was not in a position to deny. So, we went ahead hoping for things to go well and this one would also pass. Greg was a religious man too. He believed that God has a plan for everybody and trusted in it. He also wished that God would listen to his unsaid prayers which he always compiled in his heart but never could possibly say because he felt them to be too silly to ask. He thought that these things are just too silly to ask to God as such rather he should be praying for things that are more important and the ones that would matter much in every body else’s life, of those who are associated with him or rather ask for things which are more important like career and sort. He thought even if he never says those things, God hears his thoughts and would feel for him.
Well, Greg went ahead with the journey. His uncle had seen this girl who was one of his parishioner’s daughters. He liked the girl very much; it’s not that she did some spell on him but for the simplicity and good nature of her. He took Greg to the girl’s house and introduced him to the girl’s family and the girl too. Greg didn’t ask much to her and neither did she ask much to him. She was beautiful, educated, well mannered and modest too. Finally when his uncle asked him about the girl he said he’s fine with the whole thing. He hoped the girl’s family might reject him as happened with all the others. He never wanted his uncle to get heartbroken by his denial. He actually never had any reasons to deny too. He was confused as to what to do that he left it all on God. He believed every thing to be worked out just fine in the end and his wishes would be granted. Fate has something else is mind, things rather turned out to be positive; the girls family accepted him and were ready for marriage. His uncle was happy like anything and Greg couldn’t break his heart anyways. So, both the families parted keeping the marriage date pending. They agreed to sort it out later and planned to get it done soon.
Greg now came back to his workplace with a heavy heart. He was confused why he felt this way. Was it because of the girl he met at his client? Don’t know. He kept faith and believed things to get sorted out by its own.
One day at the client’s, one of his men came and greeted him for it was his birthday. It so turned out that it was hers too, on the same day. He was delighted to hear this. She promptly came and greeted him. He felt overwhelming joy but it was short lived. As he was enjoying the happy moment of sharing the day with her, some body from his men updated her about the whole marriage affair. The very next moment she came to him and asked whether he’s getting married! She congratulated him and asked him who she was. Then she left the place. All his happiness vanished. He felt as if he saw anger and tears whelming in her eyes. He noticed how she avoided any eye contacts. He felt as if she wanted to scream at him saying him a cheater and yelling at him saying why did he ever looked at her that way, why did he compelled her to dream about him, why did he deceived her with his actions. He suddenly felt it now that why he didn’t wanted to go complying with his uncle’s wishes.
Things were never the same from that day. He realized that he actually started liking her. She made him feel comfortable. For the first time he saw somebody who was just like him in almost all the aspects. Or may be he liked her so much that he liked all her aspects. He dreaded over his fate but still hope was gleaming in some corner of his heart.
Now, things at home were turning out to be concrete gradually. He hoped for things to be worked out his way but doesn’t seem so happening.
Now, the carving to see her, to talk to her, to have at least a glimpse of her has become phenomenal. He used to go to the client’s just to see her. He tried to find occasions to talk to her. But it seemed like she has now started to keep herself distant from him. Before, she used to come to his place and knock at his desk and say hello but now he waited like hell for her to come and greet him but it seemed like he’s lost it all.
Now, the project had entered into more crucial stage where work started to extend from normal hours to late evenings and even on week ends. Greg thought of using this opportunity to get close to her, by visiting the work place on weekends. All the week days she would be crowded by so many peoples, who seemed to never let her alone. He would visit the site at week ends and when his colleagues would enquire about this, he would make up stuff like design plan updates and stuff. Although he did all these crazy things but he never let any body have the slightest idea about his intentions. No body ever doubted him, may be some odd fellows who would have seen him staring at her every now and then but even they never dared to ask him because Greg’s marriage news has spread already and Greg was never a woman monger. He might flirt but never ever run after women. And he had this philosophy of looking at a well groomed women whom he felt beautiful in any ways, may it be look wise or smartness or any thing else, because he thought it to be a compliment for them. When his friends used to ask about this stare, he would say that if some women dress up well or is pretty looking or have a look which he liked then he would obviously give her the compliments by looking at her with such a looks in his eyes that she could read his appreciation in his eyes.
Days went by, he never had any luck and then one week end, he saw her alone at her desk and there weren’t much people around. He walked up to her and started to talk to her. That was the best day he ever had with her. They talked for hours. She said a lot of things to her. She shared a lot with him like her past relationship, her family and her feelings about love and marriage. Even he also opened up and said about his feelings towards love and marriage. His heart was aching and he just wanted to yell it out how much he loved her but his consciousness didn’t allow him to do so. On one note he said to her how in a love relation, you need to have the guts to face things and how he lacked the same and hence never had any relationships.
That’s the key for a relationship. You should have the guts to yell out your feelings. But before that you should feel the real love. And once you are sure that the feeling that’s keeping you awake all night wondering what’s wrong with you, the feeling which says that you miss the presence of the other person, the feeling which stops your breath when you are with the other person, the feeling which is so strong but still do not give you the strength to say it, it’s the feeling of love, you should gather up all your guts and stop thinking about the rest of the world and should spit it out. Or else you’ll lose it for ever and life does not give a second chance, not to every one. Not every time one gets to have this feeling, cause when it is not from the heart, you won’t feel the ache of it but when it is from the heart you can feel the pain. When it is not from the heart, your mind would force you to yell it out because it would make you a lover that you saw in the movies but when it is from the heart, your mind would be confused and all your logics and instincts would suggest you not to venture into this and break the existing harmony you have with the other person because you might lose him or her if the other person do not feel the same way. You would look for reciprocal behaviors.
Greg wanted to say it, he also felt the same from her too, but the situation had really got complex and he did not wanted anybody to get hurt. He thought if he says it to her and she accepts it, then he would be breaking the trust and love of his uncle and would bring humiliation to his uncle, the last thing in his mind. If at all she never felt it his way, it would have never bothered him, because he knew, no matter what, his love was eternal. He would never be the same again. All those love he kept hidden in his heart since long, all those feelings and sentiments that he cherished in his heart since years which he kept for someone to whom he would give his hundred percent, has got diluted and he would never be able to give his true love to any one any more. He would always feel that he’s rather making it up rather than them automatically arousing deep from his heart. He left everything on fate and trusted in God to bail him out of this duality situation.
Now, days were getting close and he wished and wished more that things would change for him. He prayed that things would be right and nobody’s going to get hurt. Count down has started and he got restless more and more.
There were only days left now and he now started to see it losing. He felt the pain of losing it all. He burned like a flame that was dying, flickering more as it started to die out. He knew it’s all over and nothing’s going to change. He felt the sudden urge to defy everything and go after it but all his senses and logic pulled him back. He found no solace and so he started hurting himself. He became more silent and even stopped talking to his closed ones. He felt everything as a lie. He knew he would never be able to justify anything ever. He cursed the very situation that put him into this mess. He was emotionally deranged. He realized that no matter what his feelings are diluted now and nothings going to change that. He dreaded for it and wondered why. He tried pulling himself together but the very next moment his strength gave up and he cursed everything. He now knew that it’s destined to be this way and he should no more hope for anything. He no more cared for anything. He realized his dreams were his greatest sin. He found out the eleventh commandment “Thou shall not wish”.

Romantic Liaisons...

Before beginning anything I just want make it clear that what ever I am mentioning here is my sole feelings and purely from my own perspective. If at all anybody’s hurt with these, I am grievously apologetic for the same and ask for their forgiveness.
There occurs a natural phenomenon due to some chemical imbalances in human mind. People inadvertently call it love. Now what is this so called high sensitive mischievous issue called love.
Man since ages has deciphered a million definition of love and me too wants to add into this endless list of heart matter.
Now rather than making up some fictional saga, let me begin with some thing more convincing, something which has a base to stand, and something that’s not a made up theory but my very own experiences. Did I just over evaluate my feelings, probably so…? Well, I guess I would be forgiven for doing so.
So, when I was a child, I had this idea of love as having a girl friend. So, every other good looking was a potential candidate. I used to fantasize about her being with me, talking to me, laughing and chatting with me, in short having a good time with me.
And as almost many of the boys, I too lacked the courage, the guts to go unto a girl and talk to her. I rather lacked self-confidence enormously and hence I never had the courage for anything.
Let me begin from the very beginning. I had my first grade to fourth grade schooling at my native state. Even though I was still a small kid that time, I can still recollect some of those days. So, there was this girl in my class who joined the school when I guess we were in third grade or so. She was this cute looking girl who used to study somewhere like a metro city or something as her father had service over there.
When we were in fourth grade, it so happened that we sat side by side in the class room and as I had said before I started liking her. I admit that I was no match what so ever with every girl I ever liked but who has control over their heart, it just does what it likes.
Now she was this fair little angel and I was this dark rather very common looking boy but still heart don’t see differences, it’s the mind that let you down. Once in a while logic takes a back seat.
We used to share notes, study together and I was this crazy about her that once I even wrote her name down in my note book and my teacher asked me in front of the whole class about it. But to be true, I never intended to write it rather I am pretty sure I wrote is accidentally. What ever the case might have been, my friends started making fun of me ever since and I felt uncomfortable about it. May be even she started to keep distance.
That year our school lost its recognition and it had to be closed down. So, we kids needed to leave for another school. I was taken back to the state where my father worked, where I was born too, and the rest of my whole career I stayed and studied there.
May be this whole thing was not supposed to happen. I mean some times ad-hoc things happen which is actually not scheduled by destiny and destiny corrects it in its own way. There might be heart breaks but destiny cares for none, stops for none and changes for none. Only prayers can help.
May be worst, the whole thing might have hurt the little girl so much that she just prayed and hoped it would have never happened and thus things where changed accordingly by the might hands that built us all. Well, something happened at that age was as easy to forget as the beating from our teacher for doing mischief.
Well, that ended in a sour note. But that didn’t cause much ripple in my life and it ought not to be because those are not the age to get affected by such serious matters. Those are tender and every thing heals quickly.
Now, the rest of my school career went cold. I guess there were none to strike a chord in my heart. Ahemm….too much to claim ain’t it. Yeah there were girls who were pretty, hot and lot of other things and yes, I used to drool over them but none of them were heart touching.
The pressure of studies, career, and blah blahs…kept these feelings at bay for quite a long time, till my job with an IT giant at one of our metro cities.

Although there were little flares every now and then but I didn’t care much for them. I was pretty happy with the guy things like watching movies, having outings and above adda baazi…
There was this one story that I want to recall during these days. It was during my engineering days.
I used to visit this friend of mine, one of my child hood buddies. He had a neighbor, a girl who had a friend. Now this friend used to visit this girl most of the time as I used to visit my friend. Once she wore this sky blue dress and that was it. She looked so gorgeous and awesome that I had my heart in my mouth. She was pretty too.
Now, I become a regular visitor and carved to get a glance of her, especially in that blue dress. I guess she realized this that I stare her. As usual, girls tend to show more attitude when they know that some one is watching.
But as before, I am just a course ordinary guy and she was this beautiful damsel in blue, so not a match. I was no delight for her as she was for me.
I am pretty much awake in my mind rather than in my heart, hence I always know the truth. So, the spark never got fire and eventually it died out.
So, it’s since 17 years, I was just drooling for every other girl who looked pretty or sexy or hot or what ever appealing but never did my heart went for anything. I guess, I was pretty happy with the guy thing, movies, music and masti was all I ever did and liked. May be it was for the fact I never had the guts to take things further or rather start at least a conversation. There was only stare and glare, either full of sentiments or full of lust. But I think I was pretty happy without those feelings rather I kept myself busy in loads of movies, computer games and all.
Now years passed by, I got caught in the fight for survival. I was desperate and desolate. I was almost destitute both in terms of faith and courage. Now by sheer grace of almighty, I got through the jinx and landed in a place I always dreamt of. It took awful lot of time and patience. During those days, I have seen days I dread of and I still pray and thank almighty for utter grace upon me.
I was happy, in fact happy as never before. I thought I would never need anything else in my life anymore that I would die for. I felt the ease in my life and was so happy about it that I promised to almighty not to bother for anything in my life anymore. I was wrong…
The one above have ways to make us realize that we are always weak and won’t be able to make it all alone. We need him for anything and everything.
So, now I was in this metro city, thriving with life. I was happy to core of my heart. In my work place we used to have food at our office canteen. We had 3-4 canteens across our different locations. I used to go to this one canteen which was not in our building but rather a 15 minute walk away form there. I went there because I had my lunch with my buddies and also the food was good. Once I saw this girl in the canteen. She was beautiful like an angel and she wore this golden crucifix in her necklace which was like a trademark of my native place. Usually Christians from my state wear such a crucifix. On top of that she was wearing this sky blue dress, the color that enchants me. It was like a dream. My mind stared wandering.
So, now I became a regular visitor of this canteen even though it took an annoying 15 minutes walk in that scorching sun. I wondered who she was!
Then it all started the series of coincidences, rather unfortunate coincidences. As I was having my lunch with my friends when I saw her, I mentioned this to them and pointed her to them. I stressed on my friend who used to work in those buildings to find out who she was. I actually never expected them to find it but it was rather just an enthusiastic demand. I went back to my office and was busy with my work when my extension rang up. It was my friend and he said – “Would you believe she sits just next to my cubicle?” That’s it, it all started. The thing went a little deep inside my heart which rather would have faded away if this coincidence never happened. So, I became a regular visitor to my friend’s quadrant now, even though I had no business there and it was too far from my own work place. I went there just to have a glimpse of her. I sure felt that she was from my state or at least neighboring state.
She was beautiful and decent, a perfect wife material. I guess that was one reason too as I was not getting any younger and the pressure of marriage was slowly rising.
I never wanted things to be blunt. I didn’t wanted to go up to her and ask her for marriage rather I wanted to know her, hoped she would like me and wished that she was also from my state. Call this gutless or what ever but I would have never been able to it then and not even now.
Days went by and my visit to the canteen and my friend’s quadrant went on routinely amidst my hectic schedule.
It’s been almost a month and a half now that I started doing this and there was no progress. Even though I felt that she knew I follow her because I heard that girls have high senses and things like these are sniffed by them even before boys think it in their mind.
Now it was time for the second coincidence. I used to attend Sunday mass in a church which was about an hour journey from the place where I stayed. The mass used to be in my mother tongue. I always used to wish someday I would find her there. May be it was my intuition or so but I felt it deep inside. And one day, there she was!
I was astounded to see her in the church. I never knew that my wish would come true. May be I logically calculated the same but what ever the case may be, I was taken aback. Now this continued of a few weeks as I would never dare to go up to her and introduce myself.
The third coincidence is yet to happen and it happened one day. Every Sunday, I wished that she would take the same cab as mine but it never happened as after the mass I never saw her nearby the place where I catch the cab. She might have been using a different route and I didn’t dare to follow her or so because I was pretty prestige conscious. I never wanted to make myself look like a road side Romeo. So, my wish seemed to be a distant possibility.
Even if she actually boarded the same cab as mine then the possibilities of me breaking the ice was nil. God, I hated being me.
Once it so happened, that I boarded the cab and there was this guy already sitting in the cab. We used have this shared thing in that place so we 6 people got into one cab and shared the fare. At that moment I was talking to my mother over phone and I sat inside the cab. Suddenly, I saw her and her friend coming this way and my heart beat grew faster. I wished she would board on our cab. I disconnected line and the other guy introduced himself to me saying he too belonged to my state. So, we started talking to each other. Now, I wished she would board the cab while we were talking and I could be sure once and for all whether she belonged to my state. It happened; she boarded the cab along with her friend and sat diagonally opposite to me, beside the other guy. We were almost facing each other now. I started sweating. Mean while, the other guy asked me something in our native tongue and suddenly she interrupted asking whether we belonged to state that she belongs. That was it. For the first time I heard her voice that too in my native language. So, we all got introduced to each other.
Now, I got a chance to talk to her but gutless as I was, I could not materialize it either. Even though I did visit my friend’s quadrant and the canteen regularly, I never had the courage to go up to her and talk. Every time I and she crossed our glance, I just gave an awkward smile and left the scene. Some times it was her who said hello to me and I just reply the same and walk away. Now that might have given her a wrong impression about me being full of attitude or rather a gutless stupid.
There’s one more coincidence which would rather sound insane. It so happened most of the time that the color of our dresses matched like the color of my shirt would be a variant of the color of her dress. My friends always used to comment me on that whether I secretly decide it with her for this and I hoped I was.
I had already searched out her office id and added her in our internal messenger. I always hoped that she would come online one day I would ping her. But it never happened. Even though on some rare occasions she did come online but I didn’t had the courage to ping her.
One Saturday, I had to go to office for some pending work. Just casually I logged in to the messenger and there she was online!
I thought a lot and finally I gathered some strength and ping her. She responded very well. I just asked her regular questions like how’s work and stuff. Then in between I asked her whether she had her lunch or not and she said no. May be it was a wrong answer for her and she might have even regretted in saying so but I jumped for the occasion and said shall I join you. She, probably reluctantly said ok. I guess she didn’t want to lose her face. So, I set out to the usual canteen where we had our lunch. I reached there and she was there too. I ordered for a regular meal but she went for some snacks. I felt curious and asked for it and she said she don’t feel like hungry. Now, that might because the ordeal was not supposed to happen and hence she lost the appetite. Well, what ever might be the cause, heart prevailed over mind and I couldn’t see it though deep down I felt it. She went to the serving area for the snacks and I went to mine. While she was waiting for her stuff, I happened to look at her and I lost in thoughts. Suddenly, I realized that she too was looking at me and probably was feeling uncomfortable. I withdrew my gaze.
We sat together on a round table. I asked her some casual questions like where did she had her studies, who else are there in her family, blah blah …We finished our food and parted to our own offices. That didn’t end in sweet romance rather left me cold feet.
Lots of things went through my mind that day. I would never know the real feelings in her heart. Was she compelled by courtesy to go the canteen with me? Is she disgusted by the gutlessness in me? Whether she really hated me for nagging her in this manner? I guess I can quote the famous saying by Sigmund Freud “What women want?”
Days passed by meanwhile my romantic liaisons has become has a folklore now. Every body knew it. Even I said this to my mother and sister and from them my uncle and aunties also came to know. I guess it was just short of being on prime time news. Things really went out of hand. I just wanted to have some honest opinions but things became more of a gossip. Every body gave in their suggestions but my heart was not ready to accept even a single one of them. I guess, somewhere deep inside I realized things are not supposed to be the way it is. I became a laughing stock everywhere, in my friend circle or even at home. I should have kept things to myself. I made the biggest mistake of making it public. Now, I was left only with embarrassments.
Once it so happened that I was on my routine visit to my friend’s quadrant. I saw her working on her desk glued to her computer. She sat in a cubicle from where the entrance door was visible and if anyone comes in or leaves she could easily know it. It so happened that every time I visited the quadrant she never lifted her eyes and gave glance on me, not even once. I wondered why? Well, as usual I made a loud entry hoping to grab her attention but in vein. So, I settled down near my friend’s cubicle and waited there, having some ideal chat with my friend.
Well, it took half an hour for her budge form her seat and finally she started leaving for home. She had to pass through the corridor in order to do so. So, when she was going to cross the cubicle where I was sitting and I desperately called her out and said ‘Late huh…’ She turned in surprise and said ‘Oh hi! I didn’t notice you here’. My heart sank. Well, I guess I have started to become used to this now. She said her birthday is coming up recently. My friend jumped into the occasion and asked for a party. She agreed to give us ice creams and we said we won’t settle for that. Well, that was all and she went home and we too left for the day.
Then one day in canteen she came to me said that she’s arranging a party for her friends belonging to our state and I was also invited. I accepted it. She then said that she would convey the time and place for the same and took my mobile number for the same. So, now I officially had her mobile number even though un-officially I had is from our internal portal site. Now, I know that’s encroachment of privacy but I was forced by my damn heart. So, it took me five months to get her number and that too was given by her rather than me asking for it.
Now, I started wondering what gift I should give her. My friends suggested me lot of things from glass toys to teddy bear. I was skeptical about the whole thing. I don’t know why but I tend to see the negative things first. I felt that she would be heavily embarrassed if I give her something which would catch the attention of rest of the guys. They might wonder why I had given her that and might make up story which she might not be willing to gulp down because I don’t know what’s in her mind. It might turn out that she’s already trying hard to avoid any such situation that might arise by me doing so. She might be praying hard I won’t be doing having any such silly ideas. And so, I zeroed in on a simple plain birthday card. I really not wanted to hurt anyone. It may so happen that I’ll give her some gift and she never had the slightest feelings for me and so she would deny the gift feeling embarrassed. It would then hurt both of us. So, I settled down hurting myself as always.
On the night before that day, at 12 O’clock midnight I planned to message her a happy birthday SMS. So, I stayed awake and watched a movie in the cable. When the movie was over, it was already 1AM in the morning. I rushed to my mobile and messaged her. Then I went to washroom, came back and saw a miss call of her in my mobile. I was delighted. I tried to decode it. Thought about it deeply, tried to find out the meaning of it. I discussed the same with my roommates. So, finally one of my friends, a predominantly positive thinker, said ‘your message created a ripple in her thoughts and she was anxious to call you and hence she called, then suddenly she realized what she was going to do, she came back to senses and cancelled her call. So, you are really disrupting her thoughts, positive signs.’ I felt good and slept happily.
Then the day arrived. It was a Sunday and from church I directly went to office as the venue was near to our office. At about lunch time she called me and asked me about my where about and I trying to sound casual as well as busy said about me being at office and would reach the venue with in 10 minutes. I was trying not to show my enthusiasm.
When I reached there, everyone has already arrived. I gave her the card and she accepted it. I don’t what was her expression at that time and I hardly noticed because I didn’t wanted to be sad if I found out that she felt awkward and was reluctant in accepting it.
I had one of my friend’s camera borrowed with me. I took it out rather shyly and gave it to one of the guys and asked to take the pictures. I didn’t want anyone to feel that I was over enthusiastic or so. We had our delicacies and finally parted for our homes.
A few days later I got this itch to call her up and talk on a Saturday. So, I pulled up some courage after giving loads of thoughts and called her up. She said she was at office and had some work and I told her me too had some work at office so let’s meet at office. She said ok. So, I ran to office even though I had nothing to do. So I went to her floor and called her up. She came out with a grin and said hello. I asked her whether she would like to go to canteen for lunch or something. I was thinking of having some time together. She blatantly said no as she was busy with some work. I got broke. I felt so hurt at that moment and felt like a stupid at that point of time. I elegantly bid adieu to her and left for my office.
Whole the way, I recalled every single thing I did. I felt I was running after a mirage. I recalled every thing from the beginning and felt I never felt any twinkle in her eyes what so ever for me. It was all casual courtesy and I fantasized so much.
Days passed by and the wound denied to heal. I avoided even going to the canteen. On top of that those were the time when I was heavily laden with work. So, even if I wished to go to that canteen or my friend’s floor, I never got the time to do so.
One day is so happened that she enquired my friend about me and I felt good but even then I could not spare time to go and give a visit to the canteen or her office. Some times I did go to the canteen but our timings never matched and so I missed her.
And one day, our timings finally matched. She met me at canteen. She said she would be going home for a week. I wished her luck and told her to enjoy.
A week passed by. I heard from my friend that she’s back from home. But I was heavily busy with my work so could not get time to visit the canteen or her floor.
Then one day I got a mail from her. I opened it and there is was the end to this entire ordeal. She said she’s going to get married on the next month. I was speechless. All my dreams were over. Well, I replied back with a congratulations mail and sunk into my despair.

So, all this taught me lot of things about love and affair. All through the days of my college, struggle for career I never cared about these things. I was occupied with lot of other things and thought of these things as flimsy. I thought love is a fictional thing and was pretty happy with that thought. I never tried to love anybody, obviously I fantasized about girls and that’s because of the hormones thriving in me. I felt it was great having a girl friend and all but never carved for one. My idea of romance was rather filmy. I heavily used to watch English flicks and the maturity in those movies had really influenced me in believing romance to something else rather than running around the bush and singing songs. A lot of my friends had affairs and I used to listen to them about their romantic life. I used to tolerate their bull shit when we were drunk of how they are in love with their partners and how they would give their life of it and blah blahs. Those things never appealed to me. I always felt there was no dept in it rather they were all grown out of infatuations and movie influence.
So, the first case of mine when I was still a child cannot be counted as romance. It was just good friendship rather with some one of opposite sex. It happened at such a age when the difference between a boy and a girl is rather slim. The second case never had a romantic touch in it. It was pure infatuation. She was beautiful and enchanting in the blue dress, so I felt a twitch.
The noticeable one is the third case. Now, this was something deliberately thought by me. I was a girl who was beautiful, who was of the same religion as I was and belonged to the same state where I belonged. So, she turned out to be a perfect candidate for marriage. So, I tried to rope in romance in this and tried to make it a love story rather than making it an arranged one. I thought of winning her heart rather than go and ask her whether she want to marry me. So, something that was planned by mind but should to be executed by heart. I failed miserably.
I have this vague view about arranged and love marriages. I think love marriages were better over arranged marriages.
In love marriages, those people who are getting into an alliance already know each other and know their pros and cons. So, for the sake of love, they would be ready to sacrifice all those attributes which their partner doesn’t like or rather ready to accept their partner’s all those attributes which they don’t like. Because it’s the rest of those attributes of your partner for which you die for and you can ignore the disliking rest what so ever. You tend to understand each other even before you get married. If such a marriage fails then clearly the base of their love was not based on truth but rather infatuation or adolescent fantasies. So, it’s a rare phenomenon.
Mean while arranged marriages are lot different. Here you never get to know the person in real. He or she portrays his or her best self so as to make things work. People are rather mature when they go for a arrange marriage. So, after the marriage the couple gets to see the real self of each other and feel like being cheated. So there can be two ways, either part their ways, which mostly less matured people do or like majority of the people adjust with existing life like matured people. Now, the first case is rather a bad name for the family and second case is a cold life together. The second case is the most common. People stay together like two business man who agrees on each other because they had to as the interest is common. They mostly stick together for their children whom they actually love. They spent their whole life together thinking it as love and romance. Perhaps it is love. There might be no flares but they are together.
So, going with love, I think love is not something planned. You just can’t see a girl and say hey I need to love her and have an affair with her. It doesn’t happen that way. Love cannot be planned rather you’ll realize it when it happens out of the blue, when you least expect it. You cannot calculate upon something and figure out that yes I should be in love with this person. It would rather just let you know itself. One day you would just feel, hey why I miss her or why can’t I stop thinking about her or why I like her? Am I in love? It don’t happen by just a glance or a few meetings, it happens over a noticeable time and that too through unplanned meetings. By seeing a girl you would like her and even start to talk to her or meet her with the sole purpose of having an affair won’t end up in love rather it would end up in greater heart breaks because when the initial blues fade away, reality bites. I can narrate stories of my friends who have tasted such heart breaks.
Instead it all begins with casual meetings where you never intended for any relationship or affair but then one fine day you would feel hey what is this happening to me? Why can’t I stop thinking about her? Why some of her traits are so appealing to me that I ignore the ones I don’t like? Am I in love? I think when you are in real love you would rather be confused whether this actually is love or just a stupid feeling.
So, gist of my romantic liaisons was that I never had one; it was either infatuation or a mind game which I tried to execute with heart. I am not destined to be right with my decisions rather be content with what I had and will get. I am used to it and that’s the way I am. I can’t deny his grace and I’ll wait on him as always.
Not every love ends in marriage, some stays in their heart for eternity. Someone’s there and she know it and so does I. And if God sees some goodness in us, then good things will happen with good people.

Well, its a begining...

I am not much of a blogger. After like years after I put this up in the blog site, I rather accidently visited my own site and happened to view the one and only comment I got from my friend. He sarcastically says to add up, do something more. And so, for a start, I'm writing down these rather pathetically boring things...Well, I promise to come up with something later....may be in the next millennia.. :-)

The Dry Fig

Name : Bijunator
Abode : God's Own Country - Kerala
Sun Sign : Gemini
Moon Sign : Taurus
Lunar Year : Horse
What am I? : A lonely dry fig in the wilderness anticipating as ever,
gazing towards the horizon, where the vast empty sky meets
up with the barren scorched land, for that sign of Absolution.
Thinks : It's for the irrational, the world is there, where it is now.
So, dare to bare. Don't be a square.